Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
