I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
