wrigley field is MILF paradise
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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