Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
