Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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