I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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