I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
