You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
