I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
