I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
