Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
