If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
