so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
