Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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