One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Two words: blizzard sex
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
