It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
