If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
