just come out here and I will go home with you...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
