During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
