Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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