Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I forget how to act sober
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