Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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