Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
