I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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