Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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