DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
