dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
