Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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