I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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