So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
