Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
accomplished twins. life is a go
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
