There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
