He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
