I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize