oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
