walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
