Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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