I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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