I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
