I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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