literally had 100 drinks last night.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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