Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
