Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
