the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
