i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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