When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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