I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
