exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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