So drunk its hurt
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
