we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
